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11.22.17

I haven't been on here in so long, omg; the last post is the beginning of my relationship with three boyfriends ago. I only popped on here to check something, but ended up editing several profile items.

What's new? I almost have my bachelors degree in anthropology! One class to go, and only 6 classes left I think the prof said. I've currently got no man, except for my dog, Zeus. He's a handful, and all I need to stay busy and out of trouble. I'm working as a waitress now, and have been for 3 years now. Almost 4. I'm damn good at it. But I hate it. I might be leaving my current job after the holidays, but idk. I'm such a shit head when it comes to being miserable at work. And my coworkers are a dream, so I hate to leave them abandoned like that.

Anyway; mostly just posting to bump that post about Scott down. Ew. Check out my tumblr for more modern musings.

ahhhhhhh.

So I've been hanging out with this guy a lot since my boyfriend and I broke up on Saturday. Today, after driving around with some friends and getting dropped off at my car that I left at a park, I really had to pee. So he walked with me to the park bathroom. When I came out, he was down on his hands and knees, and there was a heart made out of snow (from the treads of his boots) in front of him. AHAGASIOGOPSOGINASPGIJONQPKGJIAOSNG.

I wanted to take a picture, but my phone's battery was low enough that I couldn't. I'm going to try to go back tomorrow to see if it's still there. I know it won't be, but I hope it will be.

I'm enjoying college. I'm enjoying his company.

As I recall, my boyfriend of over a year never did anything like that for me, and this guy did it before the first week was even up.

Maybe I should update about the actual breakup, eh? Lol, I love how I'm just throwing this shit on here, and I'm skipping crucial posts out of laziness.

oy

there's four hours left until my alarm goes off. i haven't slept yet. not really sure what to do. i'm exhausted, and can tell i'm going to be dead tomorrow today. it's been snowing all night. the roads are going to be terrible.

i don't know what to do. i've tried to sleep, but i'm too amped up from paper writing assistance aka caffeine.

if i die tomorrow, this is why.

cross your fingers.

Tags:

so

i think i'm going to try to use this more.

just out of curiosity, who still uses this?

The First Bump in the Road.

Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard. Oh, take me back to the start.

We're deteriorating. I'm sitting here crying, listening to the same song I listened to the whole way home from Dallas. At the time, my head was filled with soft memories, hope, love, and I was sheding tears of homesickness. Now, my head is filled with unhappiness, self-loathing, heartbreak, and my eyes are filled with tears of pain.

I knew he would never change. Yet, I still managed to allow myself to be tricked by the words, "I love you."

I should have known better. But I willingly got caught up in a fantasy.

It's stupid.

I'm stupid.

fml.

While I've dreamed of wrapping my car around a pole, I've never dreamed of backing into the house.


Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

Temporary Therapy.

Times like these are when I drown myself in Colbie Caillat, Lifehouse, and Linkin Park. It's been a while. I, honestly, haven't really missed this.
Here I am, once again, bitching. Despite the personal promise I made to never abuse my LiveJournal, again. I'm not too torn up about going back, though, because it's very therapeutic to talk; even if no one but yourself is there to listen.
I'm heartbroken. But not really. But definitely. It's not a crush. It definitely is pertaining to the opposite sex. It's technically not anything. But it could have been. It could have been everything. And that right there? That's what kills me. The fact that I was right. That he doesn't love me. If anyone were to love me, it would be him. But he doesn't. Which supports my dreadful theory that no one will ever love me. Outrageous, I know, but I mentally go there. I don't want reassurance. Really, I don't. I simply want to post this, so that I can go back, later, and blush at how stupid, dramatic, panicky, childish, etc. I was.
You spend a year devoted to someone, talking to them everyday, for hours and hours, sharing things you've never shared with anyone else, and you get connected. Maybe attached is the right word. Maybe Stockholm Syndrome is the right term. It's not love. I know that. But it's close to it. And maybe, if I wasn't forced to suppress all my feelings, I would be comfortable and happy enough to say, out loud, and with meaning, "I love him."
But I can't. I fucking can't. Because I don't. At least I think I don't. It's different. It's all different. It feels different. And that difference in behavior, and feeling, is the .5% that causes me to continue to utter words of confusion. Words of self reassurance. "I can't", "I don't think", "I shouldn't"... I love the companionship. I love feeling, and being told that I am, beautiful. I love that he's always there to talk to. I love that he looks out for me. But peel these away, and factor in all the times he wasn't there, and all that's left is the compliments that I receive; compliments that I only have to look in the mirror to see. And really, what's in this relationship, this friendship, for me? It's all circumstantial. But don't get me wrong; that is all I really want. Companionship. A friend. A lover. Nothing more. Nothing less.
He wondered aloud, last night. "Sometimes I wonder if I bring you more happiness than pain." I gave the answer, "You make me happy. Which is what hurts me." Then I played off that honest response as spacey texting and talking talk. Even though it's the God honest truth. He hurts me more than not, because he makes me happy, which I then feel guilty about, because I have no right to be made happy by him.
It's a tumultuous relationship. It's fixed me in so many ways. But, take it away, and I break, again, because I've only ever been broken. It's a temporary distraction. A solution to an 18 year problem. It's fun, comforting, and overall, great. But it isn't love.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Writer's Block: Mother Monster returns

In three words, how would you describe Lady Gaga?


Really fucking awesome.

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